Denial. It’s that feeling that causes your spirit to quiver. For years – and maybe decades – mine has been shaken on and off, and I never understood why, until now.
Lately, I’ve taken a challenging task of working a full-time job, going to school, and running a small business; juggling three demanding, time-consuming positions. But, by me choosing this path is worth the sacrifice to see goals accomplished. Some have said I’m crazy, and don’t think I can handle the rigorous schedule. Maybe my age? I guess. It’s kind of hilarious at the fact I’m taking leap of what I want to do, while the “questioners” and “naysayers” are still living by the “what-ifs”.
And that goes back to the word “denial”. When you feel something isn’t right – I mean, deep within the grain of your soul, you need to stop and listen. Gentle whispers come in all facets. More importantly, whenever or whichever it comes in, take time to make changes.
My denial, however, has blanketed my life, and I’ve never paid attention. How I lived were the status quo, society’s bullshit standards for what a person is supposed to be. I’ve never been married. I’ve raised three children damn-near alone; and sure as hell, I’ve survived twenty years of making a dollar out of fifteen cents. All in all, I’m a survivor.
I won’t sit here, as I type this journal entry, and place the blame on anyone (or even the status quo). Choices are a part of life, and making bad ones are life lessons. How many lessons I’d dealt with? Too many – and I’m still learning. The point is, I’m tired of denying of who I am and what I’m meant to be.
Life’s too short to give a damn what people think. Click To Tweet Your mother, father, sister, or brother are your family, of course, but they can’t tell you how to live. All they can do is love and support you. If they can’t (or won’t) do that for you, then it’s time to move on.
Four decades is a long time to wake up from a sleeping conscious. I realized in my thirties I was writer, and then later CEO of a business. Now, I feel I’ve made it to the final tier of my denial. I am NOT my past or choices. I’m a woman who’s ready to break free from the fanatical bullshit of someone else’s standards. So, authenticity comes to with risk.
I earned my name, my reputation, but the one thing I don’t have, yet feared the most and denied intently is…LOVE.
But the question is: Are they ready for me?